It was good while it lasted, it was good even when it ended.
God is good all the time.
One of my biggest fears has been realized…I lost the baby in my womb.
For those who don’t know, I found out I was pregnant sometime in January, announced it last Sunday to the public, and on Tuesday found out that my baby no longer has a heartbeat.
The long explanation for the cause is that it is most probably a developmental problem. An abnormality with the baby that is not compatible with life so it didn’t allow my baby to progress any further. My doctor said that nothing could have altered this, even if I rested, stayed home, etc. My first ultrasound showed heartbeat and my second didn’t anymore. The size of the baby also remained the same despite the 6-week-gap.
Now that’s the long of it and here’s a short one: God gives and God takes away.
I believe that there is nothing I could have done to keep the baby, or to lose the baby, if it isn’t aligned with God’s good, pleasing and perfect will. So many stories attest to this, like some moms who don’t want their babies and do everything to rid of them, still get to keep them no matter what. On the other hand, many fit women out there happen to miscarry or lose babies for unknown reasons. I actually know three women who have miscarried and lost a number of babies in their womb, all who are very dear to me, and they serve as inspiration and hope for me at this time. We’ll never understand it all, why this happened to them, to me, and not to others, but one thing enters my mind right now: God knows what he is doing.
Of course this doesn’t mean to say I am completely fine. I am in great emotional pain and many people say it will worsen in the days to come. I keep thinking one day I will know how my baby looks like when I meet him or her in heaven, but it hurts me to think that it won’t be anytime soon. My friend put it best when she said, “It’s true – that sweet baby is safe in the Father’s arms. It’s also totally acceptable to mourn that he or she isn’t in your arms.”
Basically, that’s the tension of pain and peace that I feel right now. I know the baby really is supposed to be where he or she really is, but I also long to be with him or her so much. As in so much.
I think I have a long way to go to heal. Right now I can already feel fear seeping into my bones, traumatized by silent dopplers and all. That is something I know I’d have to deal with in the days to come.
I am not sure if I will [publicly] write about it again, but I am doing what I can now to inform people who care. Many celebrated with us when we announced the “twin pregnancy” – of my sister and I getting pregnant at the same time. So I feel it is only apt to inform you guys of the sad news, to honor the joy you shared with me. (In other news, Paula is in great shape! She and her baby are doing just fine, praise God!)
And before I end this entry I would like to say that the song that keeps ringing in my head is “All I’m After.” (Here is a link if you’ve never heard of it before: https://soundcloud.com/every-nation-music/all-im-after)
The lyrics that keep repeating in my mind are: “You are good always/ You are good always/ You are good always/ You are good always” and “Your mercy is upon us forever.”
Believe it or not, what I truly feel right now is that despite of everything that happened, this is still God’s mercy upon our family. I don’t know how I am able to say this, but I really truly believe this is still His mercy in action and I can’t help but be grateful for so much. Grateful even for that short time of being with this babe, grateful that He gave, grateful He took away. He is still good. Always, He is good, even when things don’t feel so good for me, I still know in my heart that He is good. He has been so good and too merciful all throughout my life that it would be wrong to say He is otherwise just because of one thing that didn’t go the way I wished for it to go.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life, and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever. (Psalm 23:6)
In other news, I can drink soda again. I don’t drink much but at least I can for today and tomorrow. In heaven, the soda has no power to harm my baby. 🙂
Thank you all for your time. Thank you all who celebrated with me. And thank you all who are also grieving with me now. God’s mercy and goodness doesn’t make it less painful, but for some reason in it peace and pain can co-exist.
Bye Baby Bo #2. See you someday. I am sure Papa and Kuya Philip will also be thrilled to meet you there someday. They both love you so much and were so excited to meet you (and I the most!), but too bad we have to postpone it for now. So until then, Baby… Love you so much.